He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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