Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
