Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
