I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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