I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
