He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
