my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
