My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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