I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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