My liver just broke up with me...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
