A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
