I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
