hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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