Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
