I think im going to throw up on grandma
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
