Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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