Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
