i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
