You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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