Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
