is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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