So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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