Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
