bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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