No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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