I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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