We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
