my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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