Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
