i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
