so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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