I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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