I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
