the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
