you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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