God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
