What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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