i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
