we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
