Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
