matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
