It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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