I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize