I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
