is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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