Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
