JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
