Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
