if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's the barista slut.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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