Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
