you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize