**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
