just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
