You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
