you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
