Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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