Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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