We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
