I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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