My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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