OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
