we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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