I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
