I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
