god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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