I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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