Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
