Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
