I think scott just propositioned me for sex
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
