I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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