It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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