ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
