I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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